A SONG OF BOGS AND WOODLANDS
A Star Trek Fan production
Captain's log, stardate 55905.34.
During a survey mission at the edge of charted space,
our ship encountered a phantom of the past.
The Probe that nearly destroyed Earth in the 23rd century
is back.
Its transmissions are draining our energy.
I ordered the crew to abandon ship.
With a bit of luck, we can reach a class M planet nearby
and survive.
Well, we made it just so.
It's time, Commander, let's go!
I'd hate to go down with my ship.
Give me a minute, Captain, I think I found something, something here...
Oh, yes! Now I know how to reach the probe!
We don't have a minute! Carol! We need to…
huh, what are you talking about?!
The probe's transmissions. I decoded them.
Nonsense! The transmissions are a humpback whale song, as Captain Spock discovered.
And can't be replicated.
The Earth survived its attack a century ago only thanks to bringing back cetaceans from the past.
Don't you know history?
I do.
But it just doesn't line up with obvious facts.
During the past century tremendous advances have been made made in cryptoanalytics and communications.
No humpback whale song, Sir. It's something different, something...
new and exciting!
Are you serious?!
Trust me. Captain Spock was wrong. I'm not.
Well, then, show yourself. Call the probe.
Channel open, go ahead.
This is Federation starship Dakar.
Your transmissions cause our technology critical damage.
Please respond.
Sent. Now we wait.
Transmissions stopped. They're scanning all our systems.
Us, too.
We got their attention.
Remain absolutely calm.
It's their move now.
Two feet, two hands, smooth skin,
five senses...
...oh no!
Humanoids!
Dreadful!
Why did you call, are you here to...
threaten us?!
I am Captain Edgar Braun. And I can assure you that our mission is peaceful.
Who are you?
Call me Mu.
I represent the United Empire of Pangolins and Salamanders.
Truly.
No humpbacks...
What do you mumble, ape? What humps?
Excuse me, but you visited our solar system once and transmitted
a song of the ocean.
I beg your pardon!
You thought that our magnificent civilization is represented by a cetacean?
What a travesty, what...
And I allow myself to be insulted, like a Human scarecrow!
That's enough! I'm not doing this anymore.
You must calm down, soothe yourself, Mu.
You'll complete the mission
exterminate mankind
eat a few ants
sun
trees...
We apologize.
We now know it was a mistake.
I decoded your signal. You are children of bogs and woodlands, aren't you?
Commander...
Leave her be. She's right.
At least your females have a glimmer of intelligence.
Thanks, but our ancient mistake is understandable.
After all, you left when the cetaceans answered, din't you?
Nonsense!
We were just doing a preemptive strike against Humans
to stop you from doing any more damage!
Unfortunately, before we could complete the mission, we had to return to our homeworld!
To defend the last stronghold of our Empire against your creations!
Our creations?
The Borg!
Cosmic zombies, you barbarian.
When your wretched solar system welcomed the V'Ger entity
it was a peaceful mechanical being.
You infested it with two humanoids and what's the result?
The ultimate user.
Human cybernetic nightmare.
Borg!
No, that's not possible.
Your devious collective wiped out all civilizations in our part of space, one by one.
We had to fall back to another galaxy!
Humanoids are a force of nature. And Humans are the worst!
What they don't understand, they destroy or assimilate!
This expansionism must be stopped!
But that's not true! We respect all life!
Really, Sir?
We just found out that we are directly responsible
for the most destructive species in the Milky Way!
But if it's really true, it's the greatest cosmic mistake!
Wait, wait a moment,
are you trying to say... you didn't know?
By mistake?
I'm afraid it is so.
You scanned our history. Look again.
Borg are our enemies too, they want to assimilate us, just like you.
That's amazing!
So now they're after you?
You are really unreal!
I don't understand.
Of course you don't, hummus!
Probably not even our Emperor will believe this...
Seriously, though.
You are actually harmless.
We just need to keep our distance.
So... no more preemptive strikes?
Smart female. I'm going home.
I won't destroy your ship. Not even the tiny ones around.
Under one condition! Not a word. To anyone!
The fewer apes know about us, the better.
Although, maybe I should make sure!
Please look here...
That's won't be necessary. We will keep our silence.
It's in your best interest.
Well, I'll let you go. Beware next time.
I understand. Goodbye, Mu.
Despite what you think, it was a pleasure to meet you.
Whatever. Live well, little Humans.
Ship's energy is coming back online.
Contacting escape pods and ordering them to return.
Excellent! Well, that was quite an experience.
You were right. No song of the ocean.
Pangolins and salamanders. A song of bogs and woodlands.
A breathtaking story. What a shame no one will ever hear it.
Captain?
Enter in the ship's log that the probe suddenly changed course and left, destination unknown.
A lie?
An omission. It actually happened.
Only we'll fail to mention the contact attempt and its result.
But, Sir, it...
I gave Mu my word.
Do you want war with the newts, Commander Čapek?
Of course not!
I had an opportunity to peek into their systems. We'd lose.
I think so, too. Moreover, there's a responsibility to history.
Exactly! Now that we know the true chain of events, shouldn't we at least...
What? Do you want to saunter into Fleet headquarters and say:
Estimated Admirals, excuse me, but Captain Kirk not only didn't rescue Earth from the probe,
but also brought about the Borg collective?
That's not what I would say right away.
And what would you say?
What about: guess what happened to us?
It's Captain Kirk and his crew. Legends.
Weren't they your role models, too?
They were...
Of course they were.
Because they made their bold voyages with passion.
And pushed us to kindle our passions, too!
And so we are. Don't we owe it to the next generations to keep the legends untainted?
Carol, what do you think?
I think...
that the probe suddenly changed course and left, destination unknown.
Now you see. Please manage the escape pods docking. I'll be in my quarters.
Yes, Sir.
And Carol? Good job. Thank you.
(Good job?)
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Subtitles: Vladimír "Jacob" Novotný, FSFilm Translation: Linda Chudomelová, FSFilm